A life I left behind, even though it feels like a many-tentacled sea creature sometimes that keeps reaching out, sharp tentacles that puncture and stab and try desperately to drag me backwards.
Some days I feel I must equip myself with the glittering blue dagger or sparkling purple staff that my characters use when battling on World of Warcraft.
I stopped being your punching bag long ago. The cords were cut. The bridges were burned. I roasted marshmallows with that fire and then danced upon the smoldering ashes.
I watched parts of the only life I knew bleed out on to the same floor that I tred daily, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, sometimes not even certain if I was doing anything more than barely existing.
You can use your words. You can spit them at me in anger. You can type them with flying fingers meant to harm me. Shout them to the skies because no one else will listen. The moon and the stars are my friends. They are my comfort. They know not to believe you. They pity you. I pity you.
People pity you. The world was before you, a glorious, wonderful creation I so carefully built, pieced together with parts of myself that were beyond anything you could, or would, ever understand. You lack compassion. You are a narcissist. You are the ‘pathetic’ one.
I now realize that I was playing pretend, allowing someone else to control my happiness, shutting my eyes to the blatant truth, covering my ears to drown the persistent whispers. Love died so many years ago I sometimes doubt it truly existed. I faced life with the hopes and dreams of a little girl lost in a great, big world. When I should have stood on my own. There is no love or even tolerance. There is no hate or bitterness. There is nothing.
Nothingness becomes contentment. Contentment means more to me than happiness. Happiness can be false. Happiness can run away as fast as it shows, but contentment…the satisfaction of knowing I am stronger than I ever imagined possible…the feeling of complete fulfillment because I AM what I always knew I could be. You are the ‘stupid’ one.
This is the world I should have created so very long ago, the one where snowflakes fall endlessly. My world is white and fluffy. The stars shine for me! My entire being, my life, is covered with their wonderful sparkly creations of glitter and star dust. The sky is blue, the flowers are blue, the rocks are blue – my existence is as it was always meant to be.
Type your words. Make yourself feel better by belittling, by judging, by doing the exact same things for which you condemn others. You do nothing buy justify to others that I overcame every single obstacle. I survived! And you are still there, entangled in your web of lies.
Just remember…I am the writer. You truly do not want to have a war of words with me. I know you will think you win because you always win, right, you narcissist fool. Everyone else sees the truth, except you, except the ones who are unfortunately still tangled in your web of deceit.
I have a home. I have my boys. I have my animals. I have a family. I am the one with a life filled with fields of wildflowers, rooms filled with puppy eyes filled with adoration, and the life I worked and strived to grow. Every dream you stomped upon, every wish I kept lit by the smallest of sparks. They are all true now. No confrontations. No drama. They are left upon the wayside covered with the dust of the silence that I shattered when I walked away.
You are, and will always be, the ‘loser’.
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